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A Note for Tonya: CompARROGANCE – The Comparison Trap

December 4, 2021 by Tonya Hitschmann 2 Comments

On a recent Sunday, my friend and pastor shared another one of his many powerful messages.  The focus of this message was centered on living a life where kindness and generosity come naturally. Not only do I follow along in the listening guide and “fill in the blanks” of the printed outline of the message, but every week I also find myself making even more notes in the margins-quotes, words and phrases that stand out, and the parts of the message that most resonate with me. On this day, I wrote the word COMPARROGANCE.

“CompARROGANCE”:  Compare + Arrogance= CompARROGANCE

I think that one of the reasons it caught my attention is that as we find ourselves at the end of yet another year, it is so easy to compare 2021 to 2020, or any other year for that matter. Given the significant events which occurred throughout 2020, it is not surprising we are dealing with a multitude of fears that carried over in to 2021, and we seek to find reassurance wherever we can. We compare our victories and success, and we compare the challenges and struggles. We create a type of measuring stick in our minds, wouldn’t you agree?  Of course, one of the biggest problems with that imaginary measuring stick, is that we can always find a way to compare one thing to another.

Do you ever find yourself comparing yourself to other people? Comparing your life journey to that of someone you know? Of course, you do; you’re human. You and I have lots to learn from other people, and yet there is a world of difference between tracking with others to grow, learn, empathize, or celebrate versus tracking with others to see how we, or our lives stack up. One is at its core healthy, the other, destructive. In the second scenario, comparing to see how our situation stacks up is a trap, and becomes a prison cell that keeps us from achieving our true potential.

Somebody once said that comparison is the thief of joy. In other words, if you’re always comparing yourself to other people, then you’ll never be happy. Comparison with others often leaves us with an empty feeling in the pit of our stomach at the unfairness of life and its gifts. It is perhaps, the most foolish human activity of all time- and yet all of us have been fools.

For our friends who are on a journey with ALS, it can happen quite often. An ALS diagnosis is traumatic for every single family member. It’s not fair; it’s not deserved, and why are many others spared? An ALS diagnosis can come at different ages and at different stages in life, and each ALS experience can look very different in both symptoms of progression and in the timeframe.  All of these could be compared to someone else. Enter COMPARROGANCE.  Comparrogance involves observing, assessing, evaluating differences and it quickly leads to a value judgment that produces one of two outcomes: 1) arrogant superiority, or 2) envious inferiority. Comparisons can make it very difficult for us to empathize with another person’s situation-believing it isn’t as bad as ours; and discounting someone else’s pain.

So how can we learn more humility?  We can learn it from anyone and anywhere, and it’s an open book!  Seriously…

  • Keep a physical notebook, phone, or alternative communication device handy. Whatever your method, take notes when you have lunch with someone, attend an ALS workshop, or listen to a presentation. Glean insights from others.
  • Recognize when you are most susceptible to comparison. You will likely see that the pattern of comparison is most distressing when it closely reflects something that you value, or something that you think others value. Note those values so you can see it in black and white and assess whether you think they are true or not. When and what triggers you most?
  • Practice self-compassion. Your feelings are OK, whatever they are. There is nothing wrong with any emotion! Let’s not add shame, guilt, or criticism to our natural desire to compare. The trick is to see it for what it is, a way that our brain likes to work out how we’re doing. It is not always the truth and not always useful and that is why we need to evaluate it.
  • Consider other perspectives. When we evaluate the truth in our comparisons, remember we are seeing only one perspective. Think of it like the camera on a laptop for a virtual meeting, it only shows the background you choose it to show, you don’t point the camera at the messy desk or messy floor, the dirty clothes pile on the corner. We only see one perspective when we look at the lives of others; we never really know the whole picture. People’s lives can be just as complicated as yours, don’t oversimplify.
  • Take Action. Try using comparison as a guide for what you want to do, achieve, and be. Use it to inspire you towards your goals. Action is how we move forward, simply watching from the outside is not. Remember…Impossible is an opinion. Living your life in the direction that you want to, and on PURPOSE, will make comparison much less important.

-Tonya Hitschmann, Director of Community Programs

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Filed Under: Caregivers and Family Tagged With: als community, caregivers, Community, family

A Note from Tonya: Seasons of Change

October 2, 2021 by Tonya Hitschmann Leave a Comment

If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant. If we did not taste adversity then prosperity would not be so welcome. – Anne Bradstreet

At about this same time every year, we begin to notice the changing of seasons all around us.  Since we live in Texas, it’s not quite like this scene from an October Vermont vacation that I took in 2017, but we still notice the falling leaves that need raking, cooler temperatures, changing colors- and pumpkin spice lattes.  In fact, we know that we can count on it happening every year.

We observe our environment cycling through phases and stages of transition. We also quickly realize that nothing ever stands still, that nothing ever maintains its current state for very long. All of nature cycles through seasons of change and transformation, effortlessly and naturally — just like we transition through psychological and physical states of transformation throughout our lives; although, sometimes not quite as effortlessly and naturally.

The seasons of life are, sadly, not as predictable as the earth’s seasons!  Sometimes they last a great deal longer than you want them to!  Sometimes they last a short amount of time.

To grow through life’s inevitable ups and downs, we must move through each season in turn, as illustrated below by seasonsofchange.com

Fall – Sensing a Shift in Your Life and Preparing for What’s to Come

Early Winter – Retreating, Reflecting and Reconnecting with Your Deep Nature

Winter Solstice – Catching Sparks of Hope in the Darkness

Late Winter – Exploring and Experimenting to Firm Up Your Vision for the Future

Spring – Bursting into Bloom and Putting Your Plan into Action

Summer – Celebrating Your Harvest

We naturally create and transition between the four seasons of life as a result of our responses and reactions to everything around us-people, events, and circumstances. This essentially means that HOW WE RESPOND to our environment will directly influence what we get back from our environment — whether they are problems or opportunities.

You cannot control the seasons that come into your life (much as you may want to!), but you can control how you respond to each one.  Don’t hate the season. CHANGE your mindset and perspective and experience each season as a learning experience, not a time to simply endure and get through. You will also learn new things about your strength and yourself, which in turn will help you grow.

What season are you in or transitioning through right now?  Life is a journey with many phases. Let’s not allow the pain of one season to destroy the joy of others.

Tonya Hitschmann, Director of Community Programs

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Filed Under: Caregivers and Family Tagged With: caregivers, Community

A Note from Tonya: Bird’s Nest on the Ground

April 1, 2021 by Tonya Hitschmann 1 Comment

With each of our monthly newsletters, our goal is to truly engage with each of our families- to share the latest ALS news, ways to connect with each other and our team, and opportunities to learn more about living with ALS. Along the way, I’ll be sharing encouraging words for our ALS Texas community. Starting in April, we’ve decided to share these notes with everyone on our blog, because let’s be real. We all could use a little extra encouragement and perspective on the journey and in a life lived PurposeFULLy! 

I have shared before that Spring is my absolute favorite time of the year. It’s a beautiful season of new beginnings, growth and change. I love hearing the birds sing in the morning and watching them build and prepare their nests. I even hang flowering baskets on the patio and bird houses in the trees to make things easier- and to entice them in to making our backyard home.

This made me think of the phrase “bird’s nest on the ground”.  It refers to something being very easy and not at all a challenge-offering at least some advantage with little effort or risk.  Do you ever seek the bird’s nest on the ground-especially when it comes to FEAR and uncertainty? While the temporary fix may seem easier in the moment, it often creeps back up again until we put on our shield and truly face FEAR, rise above it and through it, and begin the much brighter journey of courage and peace. We can’t do that alone, and our monthly newsletter shares just some of the ways that you connect with others and face your fears within our ALS Texas community, and with a whole lot of encouragement and support along the way.

Tonya Hitschmann, Director of Community Programs

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Filed Under: Caregivers and Family, News Tagged With: Community

The Walk to Defeat ALS: A Community Celebration of Hope

April 9, 2018 by Tanner Hockensmith Leave a Comment

What does it mean to be a part of the Walk to Defeat ALS? We’ve thought a lot about this question over the last few months.

Participation in this campaign can mean different things to different people, but overall, we think it can be summed up in these three words: Community, Celebration, Hope.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Walk to Defeat ALS Tagged With: als, ALS Texas, Celebration, Community, Hope, Lou Gehrig, Lou Gehrig's Disease, pals, walk to defeat als, why we walk

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